Hello. I stutter.

I’ve not been thinking about my stuttering too much lately. Summer has been fun. Lots of time at the beach with family, and a few trips when and where possible. I knew it would go by fast, and it did. Stuttering-wise, not a lot stood out. Maybe because we were still sort of isolating and not talking to too many new folks.

Well, of course that had to end. School has started for the kids. Which means strolling on down to the bus stop with the kids in the morning and standing around until the bus shows up. I’ve not met all my neighbors.

On the first day my wife and I went down and saw a couple who live three houses down. My wife introduced herself to the mother, and I … did not. I just wasn’t feeling it. There was enough other noise and whatnot happening with the kids that maybe it wasn’t noticeable. Maybe I thought she’d introduce me as well? I don’t know. What I do know is that even though I’m more comfortable with my stutter than ever before, I still have days where I don’t want to talk, and where I don’t want to hear myself stutter.

Of course I had to make up for that. Because I was feeling bad inside about it. I get on this blog and tell people it’ll be ok, and it’s ok to stutter, and now here I am not even opening my mouth.

This morning another stroll down to the bus stop, and a neighbor who I hadn’t talked to. My wife introduced herself. I jumped in after, stuttering really hard on my first name. Eyes closed, starting, stopping, starting, stopping, breathing all out of whack. Ugh. Finally got it out.

He stood there, patiently waiting.

When he heard my name, all he asked was, “Rehan with an R-E, or an R-A?”

I said “R-E.”

He replied that he was going to a wedding this weekend for a friend who was named Rayhan.

And that was it. I got my name out. I learned his name. We made a connection. Life didn’t end. My brain got back on board with introducing myself and not freaking out about how things may turn out.

It’s been a while now since I thought a lot about stuttering. And I think it’s been even longer that I’ve noticed it in my speech. I’d say my fluency has been relatively high lately. To the point where a casual observer would say I don’t stutter. I’m not avoiding, I’m not staying quiet, I’m just feeling good, and that’s helping with my confidence and thus my speech.

I’m sure I am stuttering a little bit here and there. Stumbling on words, but now it doesn’t sound any different than what my fluent friends put forth.

So the other day I was on a call for work, and I got stuck. Hard. And had to really stutter through it. It totally caught me off guard. I’m past the point of dwelling on these things for very long, but wow, it was pretty jarring. In my mind I hadn’t been stuttering for weeks, and here I was again, reminded that this will never go away.

I don’t think it was anything specific with the content or the environment. I think, as we all know, it just … happens. When it happens. We don’t get to decide.

What I wanted to think more about is why have I felt so good lately? I think it’s definitely getting into a nice groove at work, spending a lot more time with family (I am working from home most of the week) and having the summer with my family to look forward to. Finances are sound, and there aren’t any external worries weighing down on me.

Now I need to work on keeping this going. It feels good. It sounds good. It builds and builds. Yes, there are minor road bumps, but it’s pretty great. I’m wondering though as things open up, what will it be like to interact with others more. People who I haven’t seen in months. New neighbors (I moved into this house at the start of the lockdowns). Making small talk. Giving life updates on the past 12 months in a few minutes without sounding boring or blathering.

The other day I took my daughter to the pediatrician for her annual checkup. (All is good). During the visit I asked about something specific, and about getting a referral. So before leaving, I was handed a paper, the referral. I asked the person at the front desk what I should do with it (I don’t do this often). So she said to call the number on the top, and they’d be able to help me. Seems reasonable.

The next day I called the number and asked about the specific service I needed. There was some confusion. And then some transferring. And then a bit more confusion. Then I was told that I should call the doctor’s office back, and that they should make the referral call. So I called the doctor’s office back, and … nobody picked up. So I left a message with all the details. After a bit, they called me back and explained to me how what I was told at the front desk was wrong, that they’d handle all the calls, and then call me once it’s all done.

Which made more sense.

Basically I made a bunch of phone calls that I didn’t have to. And I gave a bunch of information that I stuttered hard on that I didn’t have to. And I was a bit confused which I also didn’t have to be.

That evening I told the story to my wife, and she said, “they made you call which they didn’t know was your worst nightmare.”

And I thought about this for a while afterward. (My wife knows all about my stuttering and the journey I’ve been on. She knows my feelings toward the phone and its challenges. She’s been very supportive throughout.)

I thought about how a few years ago, yes, it was a nightmare. Calling on the phone was something I would completely avoid at all costs. I’d put things off due to having to call. I’d e-mail or text or whatever else.

When I had to make the calls to the doctor, I knew I’d stutter. Maybe on my name, my date of birth, whatever. I always do. But I’m finally well past the point that it bothers me. Or brings me down before and after the call. Right now it’s just an annoyance more than anything. I want to get on with the call, get on with giving information, and get back to doing what I want to do.

Years ago after calls like that I’d be mentally wiped out. I’d feel like garbage, and get really down on myself. I’d sink back into a hole and avoid the phone all over again. I’d let it cloud my thoughts for hours and hours.

These days I make calls when I need to make calls. I’ll stutter. I sure will. Sometimes I advertise it, sometimes I don’t.

But the nightmares are over.

I was out for a walk the other night with my partner, and we saw some neighbors heading our way. I didn’t know them, but they were nice enough to stop and say hello. They then asked about us — being new to the neighborhood and all that.

And then he approached me, wanting to shake my hand.

Are we doing this? I don’t think we’re doing this still.

But I wanted to be friendly! We’re neighbors! Having a little chat.

At the same time of the handshake approach, he introduced himself, and I had to say my name.

I honestly don’t recall if I shook his hand or not. Because my eyes were closed, and I was trying really hard to say my name. A lot harder than I should have, yes. It took me a few tries, and I got stuck, and I didn’t say anything for a little bit, and then dragged out the r, and then … who knows what else. You know how it is.

I finally said my name, and then retreated back a step. The conversation went from there (no mention of the stutter, nor did I bother advertising). Sometimes, well, sometimes it doesn’t feel right in the moment.

So we chatted for a while and then went our separate ways. I didn’t think about it much after that other than making a note that it was a notable stutter in recent memory. I’m still stuttering obviously, but with COVID and everything else, there aren’t as many in-person introductoins to worry about.

I think years ago I would have beat myself up over it and felt bad about it for hours afterward. I got over this within minutes. I think the next time I see these people I may bring it up. And my feeling to bring it up isn’t so much about me and my situation. I’ve learned that generally speaking, people don’t know about us. About stuttering. So if I can education another couple about it — that it’s just who I am and will always be — that should be the goal.

I moved into a new house a few months back, and have been slowly doing projects here and there. Of course that means a lot of trips to the big box home improvement stores. During COVID, of course, it’s a little easier — you can basically fill your shopping cart from the comfort of your couch and then go to the store and pick it all up.

One of the options for pickup has been to park your car and then wait while they bring your stuff.

The other option is to go inside and stand in line and wait for your stuff.

And what might be the problems with these if you’re someone who stutters? Oh yeah, you usually have to say your name — first or last. There’s the off chance that they may just ask you for your order number, but hey, it’s still a bunch of numbers and letters that you’re going to be put on the spot to read.

So I ask — what’s better? This system, or our stuttering favorite workaround of meandering the aisles for an hour since we sure as heck ain’t gonna ask someone for help?

As someone who’s come to accept my stuttering, I’m fine with the new way. I actually like it a lot more. I’m focused on the big picture here — staying away from people, spending the least amount of time in the store, and getting exactly what I’ve already spent some time scrolling and trying to find.

I think even if it was a few years ago what I would have done is just shown the clerk my phone with the order number on it. The information they need is there, and they usually ask for it anyway. I could have avoided giving a name if I really had to.

But this way does make me basically confront my biggest challenge — saying my name in public — in exchange for convenience, which is always fun to try.

A few weeks ago we had a chance to finally get away for a few days. We stayed at a house near the beach and decided to have groceries delivered. Our week would be house, beach, and nothing more. The kids were on board. I wanted to keep doing my part as far as the pandemic was concerned.

So I’m in the parking lot at the rental house, and another gentlemen is loading up his car. I stayed a few feet back, and then said hello. We struck up a conversation about where they were visiting from, what they’d done while down at the beach, and how it’s nice to get away. Small talk.

As you can imagine, small talk isn’t something that comes easy for someone who stutters. I am always, always, always worried about the next thing to say, the right body language to put forth, intonation, a laugh here, a smile there, and to come across as … normal.

I definitely feel like I’m getting better at it the more that I do it.

After our discussion, I went back into the house for a bit. I then had to go back outside to grab something out of the car. The same guy was there, and he asked if I’d like a bag of ice since they were leaving and obviously wouldn’t need it. Of course I would — we have a bunch of kids who are pretty hot and like cold drinks!

I realized that this is how it’s supposed to be — and how it is for many, many people. And a lot of what I missed growing up being afraid to talk to people randomly. Random acts of kindness. Serendipities. Offers of help or goods. Or maybe I could help or give directions or advice.

I didn’t ask for the ice. I didn’t ask for anything. Just being myself was enough. Not being afraid of my stuttering and stumbling through a small conversation. Every time something like this happens I do like to stop and write it down. And then go back and look at all of those times when being someone who stutters didn’t have any kind of negative impact.